well, this may be procastinating... but I know that I need some things now that are more importante than keeping my marks after my exams. And because I do not have these things I need, I know that I could not express the weakness of will paradox properly in this exam or any other.
I need to recover the ability to express myself and my ideas. I need first the space and possibility of talking about me, my happenings, my memories, my perceptions, my emotions. It seems I have to create that space for myself, or die silent. Im becoming a rather silent person. It is being so difficult (who would believe this!) to talk about things. Is it the english culture, is it the english language that I grew to like so much but still do not dominate? what is that distance that seems to exist between me, between what I want to say and what I perceive and everybody else?
Yes, everybody says I speak english well enough. It is not enough. Yes I can debate philosophy or read a papers and enjoy it! but I cannot describe sensations, I cannot describe vague things, I cannot describe all those sort of things you would rather refer to using images and common-place feelings or sensations. I am not sure what is common-place for the english speaking world.
Plus I will never know how do I sound, I will never have that control I have when I speak spanish. When I speak spanish I know exactly when the same word that will sound common in a ordinary sentece, does a different job in another sentence. But is not only that I know the job it does, it is the fact that it does the job... in english, so many time, my playfulness, my expressivity stay in my intentions, but do not convey.
but it is also the loneliness. And there is something else Im trying to elucidate, some kind of untrustfulness (is that a word? why is that I still cannot give up the wish of express things sustantivating when english use verbs, and wanting so much to use a verb form when english only have noun?) Distrust is the word... it is a kind of distrust, distrusting the importance of things, even the meaning of things... But that must be false, I actually know it to be false, but its power to render me speachless remains.
enough of procastinating my sleeping time, which in turn procastinate my waking up to study time. I needed to write, and it is actually remarkable that I did write it in english.
I should write more.
